The Big Surprise

So last Saturday (the 6th) Travis, my roommate, whom you may remember as having a huge cock, decided to make a trip to Montana for reasons of "punani." On Saturday, I briefly woke up at 8:30 and saw all his stuff on his bed. I woke up later at 10 and he was gone. I didn't hear from him until his return, about 1pm on Sunday. He told me the entire story of his trip, which I will recount for you. Keep in mind that he drove to Montana, which from here was 8 hours and 22 minutes there and 9 hours back (according to Mapquest). It is important to remember that Travis does not own a car. I will present all the notable things about this journey in bullet point form because it will be way funnier that way.

-Leaves Ellensburg at 8:30. Gets in to Spokane, has sex with some chick he knows there, and leaves (within 50 minutes of arrival in Spokane).
-Sees a hotel with a waterpark.
-Drives through Yellowstone.
-Decides that Montana and Idaho "suck."
-Sees "giant rats" walking on a frozen lake. I realize that he does not know what raccoons are.
-Around 8pm, calls Owen to ask if "the car has snow tires" for unknown reason.
-Gas is cheaper in Montana. Fills up tank and tops off until gas splashes out.
-Arrives in Montana around 6pm. Has sex with 2 girls within 3 hours of each other. Leaves at 10pm.

(How this happens: Went there to see one chick. After banging her, is talking to her friend. Goes something like this:
Friend: "Why do you dress all gangster-like?"
Travis: "Because I'm a gangsta."
"But you're not black at all!"
"Oh yeah? Just wait until you see my dick!"
*sex*

-Car heater is broken and can only alternate between extreme hot and extreme cold.
-While driving back at 1 in the morning, falls asleep at the wheel 5 times while driving.
*** Near Death Experiences Thus Far: 5
-Texts and/or talks on phone entire trip.
-While driving back, repeatedly swerves across all 3 lanes of 3-lane highways (and both lanes, in either direction, of smaller roads) because of texting/talking/lack of sleep.
*** Near Death Experiences Thus Far: 8
-While going 85 miles per hour, is passed by a VW bus.
-Does not go under 75 miles per hour at any time except for snowy pass when he goes 30 in a 60 zone because he is so scared.
-Car does not have cruise control
-Car brights do not work
-Drove through several passes with heavy snowfall where visibility was reduced to 10 feet.
-While pulling into historical site to sleep at 1am, unknowingly parks at very edge of cliff. Exits car and subsequently slips on ice and falls on back.
*** Near Death Experiences Thus Far: 9
-While texting, looks at speedometer and realizes he is going 115 miles per hour.
*** Near Death Experiences Thus Far: 10
-(Owen is deathly afraid of taking his car above 80 miles per hour)
-Got 3 hours of sleep between departure and return.
-Reveals that he was lonely most of the trip and wishes that I had gone with him.
-Did not eat since Friday night
-Did not drink since Friday night
*** Near Death Experiences Thus Far: 11
-Peed twice since Friday night
-Did all of this under heavy snow conditions
-Told Owen that he was going to borrow his car for "a short errand." Secretly drives to Montana.
-Does not have a driver's license.
-May have contracted chlamydia from first girl in Montana.

*** Total Near Death Experiences: 11

"So, would you do it again?"
"Not gonna lie, I'm not even thinking about going back unless a threesome is involved."

"Wait...so Travis took my car to Montana to hook up with some girl? To MONTANA?"
"Yeah...he's very...goal-oriented..."

"So my girlfriend is coming to Central next year."
"What? How are you going to keep all this up when she's here? Are you going to tell her??
"Hell no dude! I gotta get all of this shit out of my systen while I can. When my girlfriend comes back I'm not gonna have any freedom to do this anymore!"


I think that about covers it. It was an epic voyage that has elevated him to legendary status. Thankfully Owen is very chill and does not mind that his car was taken to Montana (This is the same car that they do not trust to make it to Yakima).
I would say that that is enough excitement for a while but Travis actually left for Seattle yesterday night, for reasons of "Asian punani!" He departed with these words:
"Bye, I'm going to Seattle. Please don't tell anyone!" *door slam*
This time, he basically stole Owen's car because he did not ask or even tell Owen he was going to use it. It turns out that Owen was hoping to go home on Wednesday the 10th...but Travis had his car so he had to wait until Thursday.
Travis still does not have a United States Driver's License.

But he does have a lot of punani.